Near Wild Heaven
by Queequg471
Summary: This would not become something he had to drag everybody into. He wouldn't let it.
1. Locked Hearts and Hand Grenades

A/N: So, what am I doing, starting another fanfic? Completely lost it on my others, but am trying my best to update! This is an idea that's been kicking around in my angsty mind for awhile. I just discovered How I Met Your Mother recently and LOVED it. Barney is pure comic gold. So here is my first fanfic for the HIMYM fandom!

_I held a jewel in my fingers  
And went to sleep  
The day was warm, and winds were prosy  
I said, "Twill keep" _

Barney Stinson woke up to the world spinning. He squinted, shook his head, but the grey fog that clouded his world stayed put.

Around and around

Around....

Around....

Barney lay absolutely still, begging the spinning and the noises and the fog to clear.....

_Why can't the world stand still for once?_

_Not the first morning...._

_Shake it off...._

_Can barely get out of bed....._

_Too awesome to be held down....._

_Should tell someone...._

_Wouldn`t want to hear it...._

"Shut up. Shut _up!_ "The words were out before Barney realized where they came from, his hand flying across the bed to land clasped over his mouth.

"Dude!"

The voice startled Barney, and he turned his head slowly, to look into a pair of very pissed off blue eyes.

"Robin?"

"What the hell was that, Barney?" she snapped irritably.

"Sorry, Scherbatsky. Didn't see you there. "

Robin scoffed. "Well, despite what you may think, waking up to a literal slap in the face....not quite the party you'd expect."

The fog in Barneys mind cleared a little more, and he managed a sly smile. "Well, if it's a party you're looking for, Scherbatsky... "

"Oh, get over yourself," she said, a smile appearing despite her words.

Grinning, Barney pulled Robin to him, kissing her for long moments, until she finally shoved him away. He groaned like a petulant child.

"Work, Barney," she grinned. "Crazy thing we all do to earn money. You should try it sometime."

"Too awesome to work," he mumbled, snuggling down into the pillow sleepily.

Scoffing, Robin dropped back down onto the bed beside her boyfriend, snatching the covers off him. He whined pathetically, but she held them out of his grasp.

"Work!" she emphasized, but her smile quickly turned into a frown upon closer inspection of Barney.

"Barney, you're really pale," she frowned.

He cracked open an eye. "That a compliment, Scherbatsky?"

"No, I mean it. And you look like you've gotten bruises all over you. How do you bruise from sitting in a chair and doing nothing?"

"Oh poor little Robin," Barney groaned, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "How little you grasp the delicate concepts and subtle politics that dictate my work environment."

Robin glared. "Seriously Barney, are you sick?"

"Sick?" Barney protested in mock outrage. "Barney Stinson does not get sick. Didn't I tell you? Whenever I'm feeling sick, I just stop being sick, and be fully awesome. True story."

Despite herself, Robin still felt a twinge of worry about Barney's well being. She grabbed his hand as he passed on the way to the bathroom.

"You sure you're okay?"

"_Yes_, Scherbatsky." Giving her a quick kiss, Barney disappeared into the bathroom, and Robin, less concerned from his assurance, continued getting ready for work.

Inside the bathroom, Barney gripped the cold tile of the sink with both hands and stared at himself in the mirror.

Under the harsh bathroom lights, his skin looked deathly pale, dark bags under his eyes more prominent. Everything hurt nowadays, and he was only starting to admit to himself that something actually could be wrong. The little voice in his head that he hated to identify as his conscience yelled at him to tell Robin, tell Ted, tell anyone.

But as soon as he would try, he would feel Robin's shoulder bump against his, or see Lily and Marshall smile at each other, or see Ted look around the group with such contentment, and he couldn't help but picture the change in their expressions if he were to put something serious on them. To have the looks they would get on their faces be caused by him was something he couldn't imagine.

So he put it off.

Still, Barney was beginning to wonder how much longer he could keep going like this. He felt worse every day, more bruises appearing, more tired, more nauseous. With a heavy sigh, Barney pulled out his phone to call the doctor's office. He'd go, but nobody would know. This wouldn't ever become something to drag all of his friends into.

He wouldn't let it.

A/N: I'm not too proud to beg for reviews. Pleassseee? :P


	2. What Is And What Should Never Be

_Hush little baby, don't say a word_

_Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird_

_And if that mockingbird don't sing_

_Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring...._

_**Chapter 2: What Is And What Should Never Be**_

_This is nothing, this is nothing, this is nothing_

Over and over it played. It was all Barney would allow himself to think, as he walked up the steps to the doctor's office. It was all he would _allow _himself to think. This had to be nothing, because life was _finally_ meaning something to him other than bars and bimbos. Finally there was no endless one-night stands, no lying alone in an apartment that always was too cold and empty for him (not that he'd ever admit that to anyone). It was a giant gaping reminder of everything he was not and did not have, a thought that slapped him in the face whenever he was around Lily and Marshall, or Ted and his latest "one", or anyone of the like, for that matter. So he filled his apartment with cool things, went out nightly, and maybe on some level he was satisfied with that. But the ache was _always _there, even though Barney was unable to admit it.

Then he fell in love with Robin, and everything changed. She wouldn't and couldn't be one of his endless bimbos. It was just the one night, a night that almost cost him his friendship with Ted, a friendship he valued more then he cared to admit. So of course, as Barney assumed, God or whatever was up there decided to kick Barney when he was down and make him fall in love with Robin. Out of his control, really. So he swallowed it. For the next year, he pretended he _wasn't _having actual feeling for the first time in ten years. Eventually though, they bubbled to the surface and surprisingly, Ted accepted it. Being with Robin was both strange and familiar at the same time. She had been one of his best friends for years, but now their relationship had irrevocably altered. Ten months since they had finally decided to go for it. Ten months that had been without a doubt, the best months of Barney's life.

He wasn't sure himself why he was so unable to tell anyone what went on inside his head. He supposed if he had to guess, it was that they all had a perception of him, built on years of proof. Barney's a manwhore, Barney's the devil. All Barney cares about is one-night stands and mindless bimbos. Even since Robin. Maybe that was what kept him the way he was for so long. His friends were his stability, and after having nobody for so long, Barney guessed he relied on that a little too much sometimes. He saw more in depth into his friends' lives then he let on. It was what made him go to San Diego to convince Lily to come back to Marshall. What made him officiate their wedding. What made him guiltless about pulling Ted away from his first night living at Robin's, because even then he knew how Ted and Robin would end.

So lost in his thoughts, Barney barely noticed when the doctor called his name. His feet shuffled on their own volition towards the examination room, and he listened with half an ear as the doctor poked and prodded at him. Then the doctor poked at a particularly sensitive bruise on his leg, and Barney had to bite back a whimper of pain.

The doctor's (Dr. Speake, his nametag read) brow furrowed. "Mr. Stinson, have you been more active than usual lately?"

Confused, Barney shook his head. "No. If anything, I've been way more tired."

Dr. Speake nodded. "Do you have any idea where these bruises might have come from?"

Barney shook his head to the negative, and made some more notes on his pad.

"Any other symptoms?"

"Paleness, I'm always tired, all these bruises appearing out of nowhere, but other than that I'm okay. Can't you just give me a prescription for something and send me on my way, Doc?"

Dr. Speake gave a brief chuckle. "Actually, Mr. Stinson, I'm going to send you to the hospital today to get checked out further. Just for a couple of routine tests."

Barney's stomach dropped. "Do I have a choice?"

A frown appeared on the doctor's face. "I'd strongly recommend it, but I can't force you."

_This is nothing, this is nothing, this is nothing_

An hour later, Barney's mantra was still swirling in his head. The doctors at the hospital had taken several tubes of blood, and recently, had pinned him down and done a bone marrow biopsy. It had hurt like hell, but no matter how many questions he asked, he could never get any straight answers. He sat uncomfortably on a chair in a private room, still too sore to move.

The door opened with a soft click, and a fiftyish doctor walked in and sat gingerly on the chair opposite Barney.

"When can I get my suit back?" Was Barney's first question as he plucked with a finger at the shapeless hospital gown.

The doctor cracked a tiny smile. "We'll get you your clothes back in a few minutes, Mr. Stinson. But before we do, we should discuss the results of your labs."

Barney's head snapped up. "There a problem?"

The doctor sighed. "Unfortunately, Mr. Stinson, the results of both the blood work and the biopsy were abnormal."

The word startled Barney. "Is abnormal....bad?"

The doctor gave a sad nod. "The results....they show signs of Acute Mylogeneous Leukemia."

For Barney, the world stopped turning. The doctor, the room, the patients and doctors all froze where they stood, and the world went absolutely silent until only one word rang in Barney's head over and over.

_Cancer. Cancer. Cancercancercancercancer_

Begging it to stop, Barney's head fell into his hands, the tears tracking down his cheeks before he even realized he was crying. He swiped at the wetness harshly, angrily.

"Mr. Stinson – " the doctor began gently.

"How do I hide it?" were the first words out of Barney's mouth.

The older man looked taken aback. "Mr. Stinson, the treatment protocol for AML includes several rounds of chemotherapy, at least. We strongly recommend patients having a support system of friends and family during that time, as we've found it to be very difficult. Both physically and emotional.

Barney whipped his head from side to side. "I'll do the treatment, but nobody finds out. So how do I hide it?"

"In all seriousness, Mr. Stinson, I feel confident your friends and family would want to know about something as serious as this..."

"_No._" Barney insisted. "My brother, my nephew, my friends, my girlfriend....they _never_ find out. _How do I hide it?"_

A/N: And that's it for now! I so appreciated all the reviews last chapter, I'll do my best to update fairly regularly. Leave me a couple thoughts on the way out?


	3. With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds

**A/N: Wow, you guys are great! Thanks for the alerts and reviews, keep them coming please! I would have had this up earlier, but the family came down and visited this weekend, so here it is now! Enjoy, and tell me what you think!**

**Disclaimer: As if I owned How I Met Your Mother. If I did, Barney and Robin would never have broken up, and the show would be on at least twice a week. Quote belongs to A.A. Milne, he of the awesomely quotable books. **

**Chapter 3: With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept**

_**There is only one rain cloud in the sky...and it's raining on me. Somehow I'm not surprised. **_

"Seriously, though, what kind of business trip happens in the middle of the week?"

Barney sighed. The same question had been on repeat since he had told Robin he had to leave for an out of town meeting on Wednesday.

"Once again Robin, I could tell you, but that would be violating several international trade agreements, two non-disclosure clauses and just generally ruffling a lot of feathers. Besides, you zone out in like two minutes whenever I talk about work."

"I do not!" she huffed indignantly.

With a withering look, Barney turned to his girlfriend, wrapping an arm lazily around her waist.

"Okay then, Ms. Concentration. What is the trade agreement we signed two days ago that I spent an hour telling you about called?"

"The...it has something to do with.....it's about...trade....?"

Barney chucked, uncharacteristic warmth in his eyes, giving Robin a kiss on the head.

"Not impressed Scherbatsky. Where's the hot journalist chick who said she was a dirty girl on public television?"

With mock outrage, Robin squirmed out of Barney's embrace.

"Keep talking like that and you will never see her again."

"Beg to differ. I see her quite a lot."

"When is that?"

Barney chucked and gave his usual flippant "Oh, please."

Grinning, Robin smacked Barney playfully on the arm, but the smile quickly disappeared when he let out a quick cry, and his face paled.

Startled, Robin grabbed at his sleeves, preparing to roll them up.

"Dude, what's wrong? That was a girly scream and I barely touched you."

With a look in his eyes that was almost panic, Barney tore Robin's hands away from his sleeves, yanking them back down, but not before she caught a glimpse of dark, bruised skin.

"Barney..." Robin insisted, trying to claw his hands away and get back at his sleeves. "What is that?"

"Nothing," Barney insisted. "Just smacked myself a little bit. Can't hold me down. Thousand percent fully awesome, that's me, Scherbatsky."

"How did you smack yourself in the arm, Barney? To make that kind of a mark you'd actually have to literally hit yourself in the arm, and even you aren't that insane."

"I'm _fine_," Barney stressed, irritation tingeing his voice. "It's a little bump, it's nothing."

"....and that's a _bad _bruise, like someone beat you up in a cage fight or something..." Robin's eyes lit up "Have you been cage fighting? Like, just you and another guy...." her eyes glazed over at this point "...fighting to the death or something?"

Barney looked at her wonderingly. "You need help, and no."

Robin's eyes snapped back to the present, as she absently stroked Barney's shirt sleeve.

"You've been acting weird lately, dude. Disappearing randomly, you're always pale and tired and you...actually, you barely drink anymore. You can't lash out at me for being concerned."

"You're not being concerned, you're being paranoid," Barney mumbled, under his breath like a small child. "

Robin threw up her hands in exasperation. "Fine. Act like a five year old. But believe it or not, at certain points, this is actually a relationship, and acting like it wouldn't kill you. And unless I'm very wrong, one of the things couples do is tell each other things."

Barney looked up at Robin, his blue eyes shining with laughter. "So Scherbatsky, you are a girl after all."

Not to be deterred, Robin simply shot Barney a glare. Lacing her fingers through his, she looked directly into his eyes.

"If there was something wrong, you would tell me, right?"

Barney's stomach twisted in a knot that was, for once, not caused by nausea. He despised lying to Robin so much, but his treatment for the past few weeks had side effects that were getting harder and harder to hide. His arms were sore and bruised from all the needle sticks, he was pale and withdrawn, and he could barely get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes, when he and Robin were lying in his bed late at night (horribly domestic, he realized), all he wanted was to tell her about the cancer. The words would rise in his throat; the first syllable would fall off his lips...

But then he looked down at Robin's peaceful face, and his mind jumped to the future, to what would happen should he tell her. The look of pity, combined with sadness and a hint of disgust, was something he could barely stand to look at. He pictured her leaning over his bed, bringing him food, changing his sheets, giving him medication, and in every picture, her face wore that same expression. It was all he could do not to tell her to get as far away from him as fast as possible. Sometimes those were the words that sprung to his lips.

So as much as he hated lying to her, he knew he was protecting her. Not now. She couldn't find out now. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Yes," he whispered. "I'd tell you.

**A/N#2: So that was kind of a filler chapter. But hopefully it should set up some of the important stuff. I hope I got more into Barney's reasoning for not telling anyone. On the surface, it seems stupid, but he wouldn't want anyone to pity him enough to rearrange their life for him.**

**Leave some love in the form of reviews, please?**


	4. You Call It Madness, But I Call It Love

**A/N: Again, you guys are, as the legendary Barney Stinson would say, awesome! We're getting to the telling-everyone stuff, I promise. We just have a few filler chapters in between. Everyone who leaves a review on the way out gets their very own personal Neil Patrick Harris. Would I lie about this?**

**Disclaimer: Still not mine. I am still a starving student, but if Carter and Craig care to sell, I do have several DVD sets I might be willing to trade....**

**Chapter 4: You Call It Madness, But I Call It Love**

_I won't go inside where the bats dip and swarm over my bed_

_It's the sound of them shouldering against each other that terrifies me, _

_As if it might hurt to brush across another being's living flesh_

_But I carry a gun now. I've cut down a tree_

_You wouldn't recognize me in town – my hands lost in my pockets, two disabused tools_

_I've retired from their life of touching you. _

Keetje Kuipers

When someone, anyone really, arrives for their first chemotherapy treatment, they have a preconceived notion in their mind about the treatment centre. Barney's involved a circle of beds, all the patients deathly thin and bald, the sound of retching and crying ringing through the centre's emptiness.

When he entered St. Jude's Hospital's oncology wing for treatment his first week, his body was rigid with fear. Barney had been the picture of health his entire life, only in the hospital to visit friends and relatives (and once with an unfortunately timed bus). As he pushed open the big double doors, his hands clenched so hard that his fingernails cut into his palms. He ignored the stinging pain and forced his reluctant feet to the nurse's desk.

_Nonononono, _his mind screamed. _You do not have cancer. This cannot be happening. This cannot be real._

Barney shook his head, but the voice sang on, tormenting him, grating, harsh, and angry.

"Barney Stinson," he ground out. _Barney Stinson, coward. Barney Stinson, invalid. Barney Stinson, Cancer Patient._

The nurse smiled sympathetically. "Mr. Stinson. Did the doctor explain the process of chemotherapy to you?"

"Yes." _ No._

"Are you ready?"

"Yes." _Never._

"Follow me, then." _Coward. Invalid. Weakling. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. _

Blood was dribbling down Barney's palms as he entered the chemo administration room, the individual trails running together in a kind of wild dance. It hurt more with each minute, but Barney couldn't seem to unclench his hands.

If what he expected was something out of a world war one movie, the friendliness of the room surprised him. The walls were a bright green, leaf patterning and flowers adorning them. Comfortable chairs were placed in a line throughout the room, with someone sitting in each. There were indeed some that looked thin and bald, their heads covered in colourful scarves, but the majority looked, well, normal. The kind of people that Barney would pass on the street and never suspect of having a life-threatening illness. The only thing that established they were in a hospital were the IV poles beside each chair, the tubes securely attached to each patient's wrist. And they didn't look scared. If anything, they looked bored. Most were flipping through magazines and books absently, some chatted with the person next to them.

Barney gazed around the room, amazed and a bit appalled. Didn't they realize they were in a hospital? That they were sick?

The nurse beckoned to a chair, and Barney sat stiffly.

"Get comfortable, Mr. Stinson. If you'll hand me your wrist, I'll start your chemo."

Every muscle in Barney's body wanted to run, to get as far away from this hospital as possible. Somehow, though, his wrist ended up on the armrest of the chair as the nurse readied the IV needle. As she prepared to put it in, a small frown appeared.

"Mr. Stinson, you'll need to unclench your wrist," she reminded him gently. Barney hadn't even realized his wrists were still in a tight fist until he uncurled them, his palm throbbing with four cuts that had been bleeding steadily since he entered the oncology wing.

The nurse clucked her tongue with sympathy in her eyes (god, how he _hated _that look) and patted off the blood with a gauze pad, fastening a Band-Aid to each hand. Barney barely felt the needle puncture as the nurse set up the IV. After, she turned back to the IV pole, hanging a bag of clear liquid on it.

And, pathetically, as he watched the clear liquid that would rob him of all his awesomeness flow into him, all Barney wanted was Robin sitting there with him, holding his hand so it didn't have to be clenched so damn tightly. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, and she appeared beside him. He could see her lacing her fingers through his, clear as anything. Could see her smiling down at him, the little half-smile that he liked to think was reserved only for him.

_God, what was wrong with him?_ He was turning into Ted Mosby, only....Ted Mosby-er.

For two hours, Barney sat tightly clenched in the chair; eyes squeezed shut, never daring to look out at anybody, trying to think about anything but what was happening to him. Only all he could think about was what was happening to him, so he concentrated on trying not to break down, to panic or burst out in anger at the unfairness of it all in the middle of the treatment room

In the two weeks since that day, Barney had two more treatments. Since he was an outpatient, he could simply say he as at work when anyone asked. However, the side effects were harder to hide. A few days after his first treatment, the nausea started to come on strong, as Barney and his friends sat in McLaren's. He had taken to rushing to the bathroom suddenly, which meant that he always had to sit on the seat by the aisle. If he felt a wave of nausea coming on, he could usually manage to get up casually, saying he was going to the bathroom, or to the bar for another round, or even out for a cigar (though that one usually got him in trouble because Robin wanted to come). So far, his hair was not falling out, but he was constantly exhausted and for some reason, he could only drink orange juice, so he had taken to subtly pouring his gin and tonic out on the floor.

Barney didn't think anyone suspected thus far, but it _was _getting harder to hide. Which was why, on this day, he was leaving for a hotel to get some sleep and try to at least appear a little better, for his friends' sake. He had finally placated Robin with the excuse of a business trip, and was on his way out the door when a noise made him turn back.

_Met you at the mall...._

Barney groaned. "Not cool, Scherbatsky."

"What? Robin asked innocently.

Barney detoured over to the gigantic TV, the video lighting up the whole of Barney's room. He smirked, looking at his girlfriend's sixteen-year-old self running on the beach in a flowing white dress.

_Y'know, if you re-edit, there's a tampon commercial in here somewhere_, he recalled himself saying. Now he could only stare, and remember the two of them sitting on Robin's couch, gradually moving closer and closer together. Would they ever be those people again, with what he was keeping from her?

"Dance with me." The words were out before Barney himself realized what he was saying.

Robin looked at him strangely. "Dance? Are you insane?"

Barney grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. He slipped his arms around her waist and began swaying in time to the music. After a moment, he felt Robin's hands coming around his neck and her forehead pressing against his.

_Sandcastles wash away, and all that's left is some sand the next day...._

"Dude, you're acting weird," Robin whispered, without pulling away. "I mean, dancing? How cheesy can you get?"

"You love it."

Robin chuckled, and Barney continued rocking, just basking in the feeling of him and Robin, in whatever screwed-up kind of normal they may have left.


	5. Let The Reigns Go Loose

**A/N: So here we go, folks. We are leaving the filler chapters behind! So I talked to NPH, and apparently, he wasn't cool with the cloning and donating idea. Oh well, you win some you lose some.**

**:P I jest, but seriously, thanks for the reviews! They make me want to get these up faster!**

**Chapter 5: Let The Reigns Go Loose**

************_**HIMYM**********_

"**If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you."**

************_**HIMYM**********_

MacLaren's Pub was not exactly the fanciest, most sought-after club that existed. They were in New York City, for god's sakes. They could easily find a better bar, even one just a few blocks down. Barney liked to complain and say MacLaren's was boring, not enough babes, the scotch wasn't strong enough, girls were too smart...the list went on and on. The reality was, though, that Barney had made his home at MacLaren's. He lived far away, sure, but it was a steadying point in his life, when something else would spiral out of his control. The old familiarity of the bar, of the worn bench with the chipping edges, of the smooth tabletop with the water rings permanently etched in, they were all inked permanently into his memory. Barney liked to run his fingers over them as a measure of comfort, especially nowadays. It was a reassurance to him, a comfort.

_Something is still in your control. Something is still normal. _

Never mind that the smell of the drinks set off an almost unbearable round of nausea. That the edge of the bench's wooden splinters cut into his hand when he gripped it to hold down the nausea. That he was growing almost alarmingly thin because he couldn't eat, couldn't drink, or that he had passed out twice in the past week because he wasn't doing either one (a story that did not make it back to his doctor).

No, just to sit in the dark bar, surrounded by the most important people in the world to him, made the weekly trips to the hospital and the horrible side effects bearable. To keep up appearances, Barney still made a herculean effort to act like his old self. He insulted Ted, put down marriage, came up with a few new strategies on how to dump a girl in three minutes or less (the _that dress would have looked good on you six months ago. _It was going to be a thing.), and even went out lazer tagging with Robin once, after pounding three Red Bulls and managing to make it 45 minutes.

But the side effects were worse than Barney could have imagined. Nowadays, when he would stand, the world would start to whirl violently and it was all he could do to grip Robin's arm (_just trying to keep the flame roarin') _and shut his eyes tightly, praying it would slow enough for him to get to a cab. The nausea fits were violent and unpredictable – he was pretty sure his friends were getting a little freaked out by all the "pee breaks" - and the fatigue was almost too much to make it out of bed in the morning.

_Press on_, his mind screamed. _Don't let them see you like this. You can't be weak_.

Today, the nausea and spinning were continuing even as he sat down. Marshall was telling some long, drawn out story about how evil his clients were and how the beautiful natural habitat they were about to destroy was...oh hell, Barney didn't know what it was, he had zoned out long ago.

Out of the corner of his eye, Marshall noticed Barney's face pale slightly (although lately, he had noticed Barney being fairly pale in general) and saw him squirm uncomfortably in his seat.

"Pee break," Barney burst out, stumbling for the bathroom.

Robin watched him go, confused but not terribly so, her boyfriend could be odd at times.

However, ten minutes later Barney still wasn't back. Absently, she picked up his gin and tonic, surprised to find it completely full. He hadn't drunk a drop of it. A knawing fear started to gather in her stomach. Barney had been acting strange recently, now that she thought about it.

All the times he fell asleep at any opportunity.

His sudden runs to the bathroom, all the time.

His long, unexplained absences, after which he always looked much more tired and paler than usual.

A hazy memory formed in her mind from about a month ago. In the middle of the night, Robin had awoken alone in Barney's huge bed, to strange sounds coming from the bathroom. Half-asleep, she had stumbled to the bathroom door, finding it locked. Her mind still thick with sleep, she thought she heard retching coming from the bathroom, followed by what sounded like someone sobbing softly. Thinking she was dreaming, because that couldn't possibly have been Barney, she thought nothing else of it, falling back into bed and back to sleep.

Now, remembering, Robin sat up ramrod straight in her seat. The fear that was steadily growing in her stomach, the _something is way wrong_ that she couldn't explain if she tried, was consuming her. Something was wrong with Barney. Something was so wrong it could change their group's _forever_ (Robin had always imagined being with these four people until she died).

"Ted, go check on Barney," she whispered.

Mid-laugh, Ted looked back at Robin strangely. "Uh, Robin, I seriously doubt Barney needs help peeing..."

"_Go_."

Shaking his head, Ted reluctantly stood. "Okayyyy...but if I see something that will traumatize me, I blame you."

Expecting Robin to laugh or at least make a snappy comeback, she was instead stonily silent.

The bathroom door swung open and Ted poked his head in, calling Barney's name. When there was no answer, Ted ventured in.

"Barney, if you're hooking up with some random chick in here...you better not be hooking up with some random chick in here!"

Again, no answer.

Starting to worry, Ted glanced covertly down at the bottoms of the bathroom stalls, until he spotted Barney's shiny black shoes. He knocked on the stall door, calling out to his friend (_best friend_, Barney's voice whispered in his head).

The room was silent.

Half closing his eyes, Ted reluctantly pushed the door open. He couldn't see much, but his eyes snapped open when they saw a form in black slumped against the toilet.

As Ted took in the sight before, his heart sped from a crawl to a race.

Barney lay, crumpled against the toilet, pale and motionless. And on the toilet, around it, staining the floor, staining Barney's suit and skin, was a trail of blood.


	6. The Wind That Blew My Heart Away

_A/N: Would have been up sooner, I swear! Work has just been really busy lately. You guys are still awesome! Read, enjoy and review, sil vous plait?_

**Chapter 6: The Wind That Blew My Heart Away**

_Beth, I hear you calling..._

"Oh my god..."

Frozen in terror, Ted stared at his fallen friend.

Oh god. Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgod...

When his surroundings finally rushed back, Ted found himself running out of the bathroom, legs moving out of their own volition, to the bar, behind the bar, shoving Carl out of the way and seizing the phone. His badly shaking fingers pressed 911, and fuzzy as his mind was, he was dimly able to give the operator directions to the bar.

By now, Ted had caught the attention of many of the patrons, and certainly the attention of Carl. Grabbing Ted by the arm, he stopped him in his tracks. Ted felt the jerk as his body ground to a halt, but somehow, everything that did exist had blurred beyond recognition.

"You blind, Mosby? Bartender goes behind the bar...bar patrons go on the _other side_."

Scrambling for breath, Ted managed to gasp out, "Barney...bathroom...oh god, there was blood...don't know if he's..."

By now, Ted's friends had also run over to yank Ted away from Carl. Lily tried to insert herself between the bartender and her friend, but before she even got close, Robin shoved Carl so hard he fell against the bar and seized Ted, her nails digging into his arm. Grabbing his chin with her hand, she forced him to meet her eyes.

"Where. Is. Barney?"

_But I can't come home right now..._

The look in Robin's eyes scared Ted beyond belief. She was running on pure adrenaline and fear. The barely masked fear in her eyes was nearly unrecognizable. It was _Robin._ Never letting her emotions control her.

Ted felt her nails dig into his arm harder and harder. He shakily pointed a finger towards the door of the bathroom, and suddenly Robin had taken off, Ted, Lily and Marshall in tow, opening the door of the men's room without hesitation. The stall door was still open, but all the group heard was Robin's horrified gasp. They ran to the stall as Robin dropped to the ground, pulling Barney's limp form near her.

"Oh my god..." Lily gasped, fumbling for Marshall's hand and gripping it tightly.

Robin pulled Barney into her, cradling his head in her arm. She patted his blood-soaked face, calling his name over and over again, begging him to wake up.

"Barney...Barney, come on, come on. Wake up!"

But her words were to no avail as Barney remained motionless, and all Robin could see was his blood, everywhere.

"_Ted, where is the damn ambulance?" _Robin hissed.

Ted barely stuttered a response that was drowned out by a pained groan as Barney opened his eyes a slit.

_Just a few more hours, and I'll be right home to you..._

Robin could see the confusion in his eyes as they flicked blearily around the room, taking in the group gathered around him, the blood and Robin stroking his cheek.

"No...nooooo..." Barney groaned.

"Barney," Robin whispered with an uncharacteristic gentleness.

"Nononono..."

Barney's legs kicked out weakly in an obvious effort to get up. Robin held tightly but Barney fought with all the feeble strength he had left. Fear seeped out of Robin at every pore as she fisted her hands into Barney's ruined suit jacket, trying to hold him down.

_I think I hear them calling..._

Her eyes wide with confusion and fear, Robin looked up at her friends in desperation. They stood in the dark bathroom, as scared and confused as she. Marshall was the first to react. Without a word, he dropped to the floor beside Robin, dragging Barney halfway to him. Slinging one arm around Barney, he pulled his friend to him, hugging him tightly so that he and Robin formed a kind of protective cocoon. With a sad smile, Marshall slipped his other hand into Robin's.

The change was immediate. Barney's body went limp as he slipped back into a half-awake state, lying with his head on Robin's stomach and his body curled up against her and Marshall. Ted and Lily followed suit immediately, sandwiching Barney between them. Lily and Robin stroked his hair soothingly, and Barney let out a weak moan.

_Oh Beth, what can I do?_

_~himym~_

The ambulance came only a few minutes after. They broke up the group right away as they dropped Barney on a stretcher and drove off, siren screaming, into the night. Ted and the group grabbed the first cab they could find and followed them.

At the hospital, they were shoved off in favour of a car accident, and had to wait a full ten minutes before they could actually ask the nurse about Barney. As it turned out, Robin was Barney's next of kin, but all she was told was that they would send the doctor out when he was done.

The waiting room seats were hard and unfriendly, but the group settled in four, each silent and lost in their own world.

_You say you feel so empty, that a house just ain't a home._

Ted snuck off briefly to call James, who promised to be there as soon as he could find a babysitter for his son. As he strode back to his chair, he noted Robin, sitting with her head bent down, hair covering her face. Ted knelt in front of her and took her hands.

"Robin," he murmured.

She didn't even look up.

"Robin," Ted tried again. Still, no response. Ted knew Robin well enough to know that when she was this upset, trying to force her to talk would not help the situation, only make it worse. But in that moment, he had not realized just how much Barney and Robin cared about each other. Would Robin be this closed off if it were him lying in the hospital bed? How the hell did _Barney_ and _Robin_ become the stable couple?

_But I'm always somewhere else, and you're always there alone..._

The double doors of the emergency room swung open suddenly, and a shorter, balding man stepped over to the group.

"Robin Scherba – Serbat- family of Barney Stinson?"

The group stood, Ted pulling Robin to her feet.

"That's us," he confirmed. "What the hell happened to Barney? Is he okay?"

The doctor's brow furrowed in worry. "Mr. Stinson is currently stable. He haemorrhaged and lost a lot of blood, but we gave him a transfusion. He's resting now."

The group breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"What did this?" Lily asked.

The doctor bit his lip, as if he was making a decision. His shoulders slumped. The knot of worry that had been steadily building in Ted's stomach grew to even larger proportions as he identified the look on the doctor's face. It was bad.

"The...advanced state of Mr. Stinson's illness means he'll have to receive treatment that's extremely...aggressive."

"Illness?" The first words out of Robin's mouth startled everyone as they turned to look at her. Robin's posture was ramrod straight, her eyes shining with fear. Her hands were clenched into fists, nails breaking the skin of her palm.

The doctor nodded sadly. "Mr. Stinson has advanced stage leukemia. He was informed of his diagnosis several weeks ago."

_Just a few more hours, and I'll be right home to you. _

_~himym~_

Robin strode down the hall as fast as possible, the rest of the group scrambling to keep up. Aside from barking out a request for directions to Barney's room, Robin had said nothing since the doctor had told them. When she reached the drab white door, her nails dug into the wood, yanking it open so fast it nearly hit Lily in the face.

Barney sat on the bed, swinging his legs off the side. He was still pale and sick-looking, but looked slightly improved. The group entered cautiously, as Barney looked up reluctantly, his blue eyes coming to focus on Robin. Her reaction would be the hardest to face, he knew. Much as the looks on Ted, Marshall and Lily's faces were exactly what he had been trying to avoid, he had done what Robin considered unforgivable on multiple occasions. He had lied to her face dozens of times; made excuses, escaped...the list went on and on.

_Beth I know you're lonely, and I hope you'll be alright_

Suddenly, she moved swiftly across the room to him, and he dared to think this might actually work out okay. A thought that was soon lost, however, as he felt her hand slap against his cheek hard.

"You. Bastard."

Tears filling her eyes, still lit with rage, Robin ran out of the room without looking back.

'_Cause me and the boys will be playing all night_


	7. Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers

**A/N: Okay, so this chapter is basically for CatherineJosephineMarie007, because she convinced me to get briefly out of the angst and introduced me to writing Drunk!Ted and Marshall. She has some pretty kickass stories too….seriously, go check her out. And I'm to tell you all that she has a Buffy fanfic that I have previewed and is awesome, that she will post if anyone is interested. **

**Poem, should anyone be wondering, is **_**Invictus**_**, by **_**William Ernest Henley**_

**Chapter 7: Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers**

_In the fell clutch of circumstance  
I have not winced nor cried aloud.  
Under the bludgeonings of chance  
My head is bloody, but unbowed._

Beyond this place of wrath and tears  
Looms but the Horror of the shade,  
And yet the menace of the years  
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,  
How charged with punishments the scroll.  
I am the master of my fate:  
I am the captain of my soul.

"Alcohol." Marshall announced flatly, flopping into a seat at a bar near the hospital. "Lots of alcohol, now."

Lily nodded her agreement as she slid into the seat next to her husband, while Ted stood off to the side. The tequila came quickly, but Ted rushed in and grabbed Lily and Marshall's hands before they could down it. He was immediately met with death glares through red –rimmed eyes, but he persisted.

"Look guys, this isn't the answer. Barney….Barney needs us right now. We can't just drown it in alcohol."

Marshall jerked his hand away from Ted with a very un-Marshall like violence and scoffed in disbelief.

"Do you _know_ Barney, dude? Tables were turned; do you honestly think he wouldn't be here too?" He huffed in a breath and cast his eyes downward at the bar. Lily leaned into him a little and nodded.

"Besides, by the looks of it, we'll have lots of time to be _supportive_." Lily spat the word as if it was poisonous, and reached for a shot, downing it in one gulp.

"But right now, alcohol."

Ted gave a deep sigh. They were right, he realized. This would be exactly what Barney would do if he were in their situation. He slid down next to his friends and ordered a tequila shot, then a shot of moonshine. They drank shot after shot, until Ted really couldn't tell how many they had gone through. His ears were buzzing, and he decided to count the number of empty glasses on the table.

"One, two, four, eight….what comes after eight? Is eight the end of the numbers?" Ted questioned, absolutely confused.

Marshall burst into giggles. "Ted's numbers are wrong!"

"Maybe all the numbers are wrong," Lily mused sagely. "Why does seven come after eight? Isn't seven jealous? Why doesn't anyone ever think of seven?

"The plight of seven!" Ted crowed. "It could be a song! But you know what song? S Club _7! _Get it? That's funny, I'm funny!

Lily stood up suddenly. "Now we have to go to the friend we have!"

She leaned furtively over to a nearby man and spoke in a stage whisper. "He has cancer, you know. He may die! Isn't that funny? It's a funny word. Cancer. Can-cer. Like the crab!" Lilly clapped excitedly, as if she had solved some complex riddle.

"OH BARNEYYYYYYY!" Marshall whined, swinging his wrist and spilling tequila on his hand. "TEQUILAAAAH!"

Ted burst into peals of laughter. "Let's do something like Barney….obey the Bro Code! Barney gave me the paper….where did the paper go?" He whined pathetically. "Why can't life go _right_? All I want was the Bro-ing paper!"

Suddenly, a light seemed to go on Marshall's eyes. He gasped as if he had just had a major epiphany.

"Barney wrote the Bro Code," he burst out, as if he was finally sussing out what had before been bathed in mystery. With a "yes!" of triumph, he stumbled as fast as his feet would take him out of the bar and across the street to the hospital with Ted and Lilly following behind, their pinkies linked ("we would have been _so_ cool in school. For school?").

Looking back, none of them had any recollection of how they got into Barney's room. They were anything but subtle, and later they would come to blame it on lax security on the part of the doctors. However it happened, they found themselves at Barney's door, knocking in what could only be described as a sad excuse for a "secret code" knock.

From behind the door came Barney's hopeful "Robin?", almost childlike in its optimism. Without waiting for an invitation in, Marshall stormed up to Barney's bed, jabbing a finger in his face and exclaiming with a drunken fury, "You BROKE the Bro Code!"

Barney was absolutely baffled. "…..what?"

Marshall paced the room angrily, but it was so small he just ended up going in circles. He followed this pattern for awhile, before stumbling and nearly collapsing from dizziness.

Barney's eyes narrowed suspiciously as he took it Marshall smacking himself repeatedly in an effort to make the dizziness abate and Ted and Lily giggling with pinkies still linked. "Oh my god, how drunk are all of you?"

"Soo drunk. Tequila is _good_!" Lily exclaimed.

"So….you reacted to the news of me having _cancer_, by going out and getting plastered?" Barney asking, setting off another round of giggles from Ted and Lily.

A wide smile broke out on Barney's pale face. "Brava!"

~_himym~_

Later, after a forty-five minute lecture from Marshall on how breaking the Bro Code when he himself wrote it was "inexcritical" (Barney guess this to be a mixture of inexcusable and hypocritical, which earned Marshall a fist-bump for creating such an awesome fake word), as well as a more serious talk filled with apologies, explanations, and promises of many visits and smuggled alcohol, the group finally sobered up enough to get themselves home and to bed. Barney shifted further into his own bed with a sigh. Drunk as they were, he didn't miss the red rimmed eyes and the genuine sadness in his friends. Lily had burst into tears on several occasions (once when she had segued into a tirade on the misuse of bunnies in pop culture, but the point remained), and Barney knew how hard this had hit them. More than anything, he wished for this not to be happening. If there was anything the past few months had taught him, however, it was that he couldn't live in a fantasy world forever.

His vomiting blood and passing out was a very bad sign, the doctors had told him. It meant that the treatment wasn't working, that the treatment wasn't enough to hold off the disease that was taking over his body. There would have to be more. And he would have to stay in the hospital. Somewhere inside Barney, he had wanted desperately to grab onto his friends as they left and beg them not to leave, so he wouldn't have to be alone in this big empty hospital. Thoughts of Robin also invaded his mind constantly, but he did his best to push them out. She would probably never come back. He had lied to her, deceived her, and tricked her. What reason could she have for wanting to be here anymore?

Two hours later, however, there was a bustle in the hallway. Barney heard the nurses yelling about how cigars were not allowed in hospitals and his heart leapt when a wind-swept and very pissed-off looking Robin ran into the room.

"Robin," Barney breathed, fully aware of how much he sounded like a thirteen year old boy.

"Shut up," she snapped. "I'm only here because I don't feel like taking care of everyone else's hangover and I can't go home."

"Why can't you go home?"

Robin shrugged as if it were the most natural thing in the world to be sitting with her cancer ridden boyfriend, after nearly being kicked out of a hospital for smoking.

"Punched my landlord."

"You _punched –_"

"He wanted my rent," Robin explained.

Barney laughed despite himself. "That rat bastard."

The corners of Robin's mouth twitched in a half-smile, and she flopped into a bedside chair, staring down at her hands.

Without looking up, she snapped, "wipe that smile off your face. I still hate you. Only here because I have to be."

Barney nodded, his face still sporting a bright smile he couldn't seem to wipe off.

**A/N#2: So yeah, the ending sucks, but all in all I'm fairly satisfied with this chapter. Leave some thoughts on the way out? Kay thanks!**


	8. The Worst Day Since Yesterday

**A/N: Did I mention that you guys are awesome? Because if I didn't, I will...you guys are the definition of awesome! Thanks for all the reviews, favourites and alerts, makes me feel proud :P**

**Couple of things to mention, I'm going to take a poll to see what people would like the outcome of this story to be. I think I put up a poll in my profile, but if not, leave it in a review, please and thank you. **

**Do you want Barney to live?**

**Yes**

**No**

**Yes, but it should be a close call**

**Secondly, I'm ALWAYS open to suggestions on this story. I get great ones from CatherineJosephineMarie007 and I really think every bit of input helps this story. So if you want to PM me, I will facebook add you (with your consent of course) or PM message with you. Thanks!**

"The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That's the only lasting thing you can create" – Chuck Palahniuk

**Chapter 8: The Worst Day Since Yesterday**

It had been almost twenty minutes, Robin estimated. Discreetly bending her head and checking her watch, she confirmed. Twenty-three minutes. Twenty-three minutes she and Barney had been sitting here in silence.

She could feel Barney's gaze on her, and she knew he wanted her to say something, anything. To yell, to hit, to rant, cry, any damn thing but just sitting there. Every single minute that passed in silence the atmosphere grew a bit tenser, and Robin knew Barney hated it as much as she. They had never had trouble finding something to talk about, throughout their entire relationship conversation had flowed because they were just too alike to not have something to talk about.

Robin wanted to say something; she _wanted _to look at him. She wanted to yell at him, ask him what he was thinking, how could he keep this from her, what was wrong with him, but she couldn't. She had no idea what she was feeling. So many emotions swirled in her that she could not even begin to make sense of them.

"Are you...going to say something?" Barney's timid voice asked.

Robin shook her head.

Twenty-six minutes.

"I was protecting you."

_That_ got Robin's attention. Suddenly all her joints snapped back into motion, and the mess of emotions swirling in her mind made room at the back for just one: anger. Pure fury coursed through Robin, and she was loathe to control it.

"_Protecting me_?" Robin spat incredulously. "And did your twisted brain never arrive on the possibility that this was a rather large thing to hide, and maybe I'd have to hear it from a mortician someday?"

"No," Barney replied shamefully. His guilt did nothing to assuage Robin's anger, though.

"How could you do this, Barney? What the hell were you thinking? Did you think I'd never find out? How did you even bribe your doctors to..."

On and on she went, and Barney couldn't take his eyes off her. Even righteously pissed off, she was gorgeous. _Especially_ pissed off, she was gorgeous. She was pissed, no doubt, and she had a perfect right to be, but Barney just didn't know how to tell her that every lie, every omission, every time he snuck out was for her, was for them. Eventually, the anger would fall away and the pity and sadness would take its place. Anger he could easily stomach, well deserved as it was. Pity, that was one he never wanted to see again.

"I was protecting us. I tried to...there were so many times I wanted to tell you, Robin. But..." Barney twisted the thin blanket in his fingers. Voicing emotions wasn't either of their strong points. Perfect couple? Maybe being too perfect for each other destroyed what made the other individually unique, but with Robin it was like having an extension of himself.

"What, you just couldn't find the time?" Her voice was mocking and sarcastic.

_Thirty-two minutes._

"I was protecting you. I didn't want you to stay here...out of pity." He cracked a weak smile. "Not when you should be out awesoming."

_Protecting her?_ Who the hell did he think he was to think he had any control over what she should or shouldn't know? Their whole relationship was built on the fact that they knew who the other was and wanted to be together in spite of it. Barney had violated that, and he thought he could come out of this as the good guy? He had made her feel like a blind idiot and she was the one who was supposed to be sorry?

Robin's emotions had, by this point, flown beyond her control. She was full out yelling now, and Robin couldn't calm herself nearly enough for one rational thought to cross her mind.

"It's pretty fucking clear how much you care, Barney! You had fucking _cancer_, and there was never a good time to slip into the conversation "hey, just so you know, I've got this disease that's probably going to make me waste away and die. No big deal though." Cut the crap, Barney. You did this for you. You did this so that it wouldn't be on you if you brought the group down. Couple of sad faces is more than the great Barney Stinson could take, huh?"

Barney looked like she had slapped him. Suddenly, the guilt drained from his face and Robin knew she'd gone too far.

"You think I liked hiding it? You think it was fun? You really want to know what it was like, want to hear everything? Okay, Robin. Have it your way. Every week, I come here and they jab a needle in my arm that makes me throw up everything I eat, and I mean everything. Remember that time we went to play laser tag and I went on a solo mission to smite that seven-year-old? I puked behind that wall. And the time we went to that incredibly pretentious party Ted dragged us to? I hurled in the punch bowl. Want to know about the pain? It's all the time, everywhere. Sometimes I go into my room, bury my head in a pillow and scream it out as loud as I can."

_Thirty-four minutes_

Tears were rolling down Robin's cheeks. The images of everything Barney was describing flashed through her mind, one after the other. She shut her eyes tightly but they only got clearer. Barney rambled on and on, the images tortured her, and Robin couldn't think under the weight of her own guilt. She clamped her hands tightly over her ears, resisting the urge to sing like a six-year old. Her head whipped back and forth.

_Stop it stop it stop it stopstopstopstop..._

And then there was silence. The world went quiet and Robin was finally able to catch her breath when she felt a hand slip into hers. Her eyes slowly opened, and then she was falling onto the bed and into him, and Barney's arms were around her.

Robin sank into him, curling in as far as she could get, burying her head in his shoulder. He still smelled like cologne and new suits, she realized. Her Barney was still in there. And somehow, with that thought still in mind, Robin felt all the anger sucked from her body. Anger was easy, but exhausting. Anger did nothing but hurt. And anger wasn't really what she was feeling, Robin realized. Confusion and betrayal, yes. But strangely, she was not angry. As much as she hated to admit it, she knew why Barney had not told her. It was just like him, completely thriving on attention but never wanting anything serious to penetrate the persona of strength and invulnerability he put up.

Robin Scherbatsky knew who she was. She was a commitment-phobe. She ran. Babies, marriage, there were reasons that scared her. They were just reasons to tie yourself down to the same thing day after day. Why would anyone feel such an _immense_ sense of loyalty they would put themselves through that? She didn't understand. Or, she corrected herself, she hadn't understood. Now, with Barney's arms wrapped tightly around her, it all seems so simple. Love was a weird thing. It was the glue that held people together, and the wrench that tore them apart.

"You are _such_ an unbelievable fucking idiot."

His arms tightened around her in response.

"Me too, Robin. Love you too."

_Forty-five minutes_


	9. You Are A Runner, I Am My Father's Son

**A/N: Wow, many reviews and favourites! Thanks again, guys. Here's your next chapter, thanks to CatherineJosephineMarie007 for the idea at the end, it was brilliant! By the way, this chapter's poem is the poem Ted was going to read about friendship, until the gang stopped him :P**

**The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand,  
Nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship;  
It is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when  
He discovers that someone else believes in him and is  
Willing to trust him.**

**Ralph Waldo Emerson**

**Chapter 9: You Are A Runner And I Am My Father's Son**

"You have to go home at some point."

Robin shook her head as vehemently as she could against Barney's chest.

"Not tired."

Barney scoffed. "You've yawned five times in the last two minutes. I've been counting."

Robin smiled sleepily. "Well then, I'll sleep here."

"Not if you actually want to...sleep."

"Barney!"

"What, the cancer patient can't get laid? Where's that in the rulebook?" Barney said with mock offense.

"Is there ever a time where you're NOT thinking about getting laid?"

"Glad you asked that, Robin..."

Robin groaned at Barney's tone. He was about to go off on some insane tangent. He always answered in that self-important tone when he was about to spout off another insane theory.

"In the interest of diversity and of my own growth as a fully well-rounded human being, I _have_ reached the conclusion that I can't be thinking about my own brand of awesome _every _minute. Which is why, I have scheduled time to think of anything but, daily and in very small increments. Today's falls at about 2:32 and goes through to 2:34:32. I don't want to extend it too much, in fear of deviating from my true calling, of course."

Robin propped herself up on her arm and looked at Barney incredulously. "I really don't even know why I bother with you."

"Oh, Scherbatsky, you can't imagine your life without me."

Robin's eyes drank in all of Barney's features, from the bags under his eyes to his deathly pale face. Her hand reached down and her fingers settled over his prominent rib cage. Her other hand drifted to his face, ghosting over the hollowed out cheekbones and the thin, chapped lips. How had she not noticed this before? Barney looked like a ghost of himself, even after the transfusion. Her hand skimmed his wrist, finding it filled with healing gashes from IV lines and needle sticks. In their little world, at the bar, at Barney's place, when Robin looked back, despite the memories that kept coming back with such a relentlessness detailing when she _should _have known, Barney had still seemed healthy. Now, he was a skeleton.

"No." Robin whispered, so softly that Barney barely heard. "No, I can't."

Barney gave no indication that he had heard, but Robin felt his arms tightening a fraction around her. Hell, they were Barney and Robin. They didn't _do_ couple traditions. They didn't make out at the movies, they didn't hold hands at the bar, and they sure as shit didn't cuddle in bed.

What would happen if they lost that crazy, inexplicable bond that drew them together in the first place? Their non-couple traditions, were, Robin realized, traditions in themselves. Cancer killed many things, and from the little Robin had seen of what cancer did to people, the idea that they would be able to keep going exactly as they had seemed pretty damn hopeless.

Barney's hand stilled as it passed over her hair.

"Go home, Scherbatsky. Under-eye bags are _not_ hot on a chick."

****_himym****_

When Robin finally arrived home, she found the rest of the group, sitting forlornly on the couch, a nearly-full bag of chips and a mostly-empty bottle of scotch rotating among them. Robin flopped onto the couch with a heavy sigh, snagging the bottle as it made its way to Marshall. She took a big swig, sighing as the taste of the scotch burned her throat.

Annoyed, Marshall snatched the bottle from her and took a gulp, then handed it to Ted.

"Don't hog the alcohol."

"_Seriously? _ You guys are drinking while in the throes of, from what I've heard, should be the worst hangover ever."

"Freshman policy." Lily shrugged. "Never have to be hungover if we just keep drinking."

Ted and Marshall nodded their assent, and Robin shrugged. Made sense, she figured. Or at least made sense to college freshmen, and apparently, those whose whole worlds had just been shifted.

Silence reigned for what felt like forever, until Marshall's fist suddenly came down hard on the table, making everyone jump, including Ted, who added in a decidedly girly squeal.

"How could he not tell us?" Marshall hissed. "He has _cancer_. Are we just too fucking naive to think that we would actually tell each other if something was wrong?"

"He was trying to protect us," Robin whispered, shocked to hear those words come out of her mouth. She had been so sure she was still angry with Barney.

Marshall huffed out a breath. "Yeah, I feel really sheltered right now."

"I know," Ted said softly. "It was crazy to keep it from us. But think about it. Isn't it just like Barney?"

A reluctant smile lit Marshall's face. "Yeah. He was trying to protect us. How he saw us as a group, and I guess...how we all saw him." He sighed heavily. "I just wish we could tell him how fucking _shitty_ it feels to us."

At that, Lily's head snapped up, and a ghost of a smile crossed her face.

"I've got an idea."

****_himym****_

Barney was sleeping as they made their way into his room, backpacks full. Moving quietly, they set up their equipment.

Moments later, Ted whacked loudly on Barney's bed, startling him awake.

"What the hell..." sputtered a half-awake Barney.

Robin, Marshall, Lily and Ted made a line by the foot of Barney's bed, flipping the light on suddenly. As Barney's eyes adjusted to the harsh lighting, he took in a long piece of paper with hastily painted on words. Squinting, he made out:

_Cance- -terven-_

"What the hell..."he repeated.

Ted cleared his throat. "Barney, this is an intervention."

Incredulous, Barney looked at his friends.

"Are you kidding me?"

Lily shook her head. "This is a Cancer Intervention, or as we have abbreviated it, Cancention. We've all written letters about how your incredibly, unbelievably, almost unfathomable decision to..."

"Lily..." Marshall laid a hand on his wife's arm before she could lose herself in an angry rage.

"Right." Lily composed herself briefly. "As I was saying, this is an intervention, so we can tell you how we feel about you keeping this arguably large secret to yourself. Go, Ted."

Ted stepped out of the line and opened a sheet of paper.

"Dear Barney," he read. "There are many words I could have chosen for this occasion. Mad, confused, furious...well, not furious as well as mad, technically that would be saying the same thing twice, just using a synonym..."

"Dude!" Marshall exclaimed.

"Right," Ted corrected himself. "Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that, while it is completely like you to do this...you guys wanted to be there for me when Stella left me. You're being a complete hypocrite by not letting us be there for you."

With a long look in his friend's direction, Ted stepped back, and beckoned Marshall to go forward.

For once in his life, Barney listened to his friends without saying a word, shocked at the impact his decision had on them. It was very hard for him to believe that his friends wanted to be there for him, as a point of view he wouldn't let himself consider. Still, as he listened to Ted read his letter, it seemed like that was all that mattered to them. He had betrayed them, in their eyes.

"...and I know how you think we see you," Lily read. "Barney...have you ever heard played Jenga?"

"...yes?" Barney answered, entirely lost on where Lily was going with this.

She nodded "When you build a Jenga tower, it's not just the one block. There's like eighty of them, all crammed tightly into this one little space. They're forced together, and they have to, like, glue together on the rare occasion that they're stacked right. But...if even one is taken out, no matter how careful I am no matter which time I play, that damn lost block makes it all come tumbling down."

An unexpected sob rose in Lily's throat and she angrily bit it down.

"And you think it means nothing, right? It's one damn block. The others would just lean on each other more; bond together so you can still win the game. But _every time_, without fail, that one block is taken away, and everything comes crashing down."

Lily slowly made her way up to Barney's bed, slowly followed by the rest of the group. She slipped her hand into his, the tears silently falling down her cheeks.

"You're that one block, Barney. Give the others a little warning if you know everything's going to come crashing down.

**A/N#2: So obviously, endings are the hardest part of writing. That's all for now, folks! Leave some review love on the way out!**


	10. You're The Reason I Come Home

**A/N: Don't shoot, I have an excuse! I broke my arm, had to wear a sling for awhile, then I lost mobility in my arm, so getting this up took forever. Hope it's worth the wait, though! Tenth chapter! Feels like a milestone...Poll is still in zee profile, how do you guys want this to turn out? Should Barney:**

**Live**

**Die**

**Live, but it should be a close call**

**Chapter 10: You're The Reason I Come Home**

_**You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have - Anonymous**_

_~himym~_

_Hospital_

The scene was not unlike Barney's first time in the hospital, Robin thought. The lot of them were clustered around him, cheeks pressed to the damp blond of his hair; more because of a need for comfort themselves then to comfort Barney. This group had been the product of their whole lives, she mused. Thirty-two year old Marshall had known Ted and Lily for almost fifteen years, nearly half his life. Ted's best friend had been Marshall for that length. Robin knew how close they were, and the honour of being let in to such a close-knit group for her and Barney was something she did not take for granted. Absent family members, old loves showing up at the most inopportune times, rash house purchases, weddings, divorces, they all went though it together. They were the sum of each other, Robin thought. They defined each other and themselves, through this surrogate family they had built.

"_You're that one block, Barney."_

Lily's words were more apropos then she knew. What if Barney didn't survive this? Robin was an expert on running. She ran from her parents, she ran from Ted, she ran from anything serious, anything that might put a chink in the armour she surrounded herself with. If Barney didn't survive, if this _thing _that was taking over his body took him, how would their little family survive? They treated Barney terribly, like a burden rather than the glue that he was. Robin couldn't take starting over again. She laced her fingers through Barney's and felt him squeeze her fingers. Her eyes found his, noting with relief the same spark there that they had always held.

_In public, Scherbatsky?_ Barney's voice whispered in her head and she scoffed, but squeezed tighter.

_Two Hours Later_

Robin yawned as she made her way out the door. Barney had finally convinced her to go home, after seven yawns (he had been counting) in the span of three minutes. Eyes cast down, she nearly slammed headlong into the doctor that had told them about Barney earlier.

"Oh...pardon me, ma'am." The older man excused himself, stepping past Robin in preparation to head into Barney's room. Thinking quickly, Robin grabbed his coat sleeve, yanking him to a stop. He looked at her in confusion, and Robin smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry, Dr...Lloyd. That's my...I mean, I'm his..." Robin sighed deeply. This load of responsibility she had certainly not prepared herself for, but she _had_ to know what was happening to Barney, and she doubted she'd get a straight answer from him.

"That's my boyfriend. I need to know what's wrong, specifically."

The doctor's sharp eyes appraised Robin's tired features, her rumpled, still blood-stained clothes and the dark bags under her eyes. Sympathy lit his expression, and he guided her over to a nearby chair.

"Ms.."

"Scherbatsky," Robin filled in.

"Miss Scherbatsky, were you made aware of Mr. Stinson's condition in any way?"

Robin's cheeks colored. "No, he...he never told me. All he's told me now is that he has cancer."

The doctor nodded "That's fairly common. Cancer is a very difficult thing to accept, Miss Scherbatsky, but inevitably it does not just affect the sick individual, it affects the family and friends."

Robin swallowed a nervous lump the size of Texas. "So why...did he collapse?"

The doctor gave a heavy sigh. "Mr. Stinson has advanced leukemia. Typically, cancer presents in four stages, one being the most treatable and four being mostly fatal. Mr. Stinson presented with stage three."

Robin's head spun wildly. She squinted, trying to focus on the doctor's face. "Three...so...so he has a chance of beating this?"

"Yes," the doctor replied hesitantly. "But I won't lie to you. Collapsing and vomiting blood are very bad signs. Leukemia is a disease of the blood, Ms. Scherbatsky. He is being treated with average rounds of chemotherapy, but to collapse and vomit as much blood as he did...it means..."

Robin felt a sense of doom grip her. When had she started caring _so _much about Barney that his disease felt like hers too? When had they become a poor man's Marshall and Lily?

The doctor left the sentence hanging in the air, but Robin needed to say it, needed to hear it out loud for it to become real.

"It means the treatment's not working."

_Ted and Robin's Apartment_

KER-ASSHHH!

The loud bang woke Ted up from what felt like mere minutes of sleep. Sleepily grabbing his clock, he saw that in actuality, it had been four hours since he had flopped onto his bed, too tired even to take off his shoes.

He swung his legs reluctantly over the side of the bed when the racket continued, stumbling over to the source, which appeared to be Robin's room. The door was ajar, and Ted pushed it gently open.

Robin's room had been torn apart. The dresser's drawers were scattered all over the room, clothes covered every surface he could see, and two huge suitcases were perched on top of the bed. What she was doing was abundantly clear. She was running away, Robin Scherbatsky style.

Sitting on the floor, Robin was flinging clothes into the two suitcases like a madwoman, and Ted could see the tear tracks on her face. She tensed when she heard the door creak open, but she kept her eyes downcast.

"Robin..." Ted implored, kneeling by his ex-girlfriend on the floor. She didn't even seem to notice; instead her pace became even more frantic, simply tossing clothes into the suitcase without even looking at them.

Reaching out, Ted took hold of Robin's arms, finally stilling her. Her shoulders slumped, defeated. Ted pushed her chin up with his hand, noting her exhausted, overwhelmed expression.

"What are you _doing_?"

"I have to go...I have to get out of here, Ted," she whispered.

"_Why_?" Ted hissed. "You were dealing with this five hours ago!"

"I KNOW!" Robin snapped. "But then I talked to the doctor, and he said...Barney's really sick, Ted."

"Exactly! He needs us, you most of all!"

"And when did that become my responsibility?" Robin cried, wrenching her arms from Ted's. "When did taking care of Barney suddenly fall to me? I can't do anything for him that anyone else couldn't. Just...hire someone. I've got to get out of here."

Incredulous, Ted ran his hand through his hair. "Barney doesn't want someone we _hire_. He wants _you_. He wants _us_!"

"Well, I can't."

"You have to!"

"I CAN'T!"

"Robin!" Ted was rapidly losing control of his temper. Robin running when she thought he was proposing was one thing, but she could not spend her whole life running. He reached out again and forced her to meet his eyes.

"This," Ted said slowly. "This is exactly why Barney didn't tell you. He knows you, he knows you'd run. And you knew you had to stay, Robin. Did you see how happy he was when you came back?"

Robin's eyes filled with fresh tears, and her eyes dropped to the ground. Taking this as progress, Ted loosened his grip.

"And now, one doctor tells you it doesn't look good, and you take off. Do you think, Robin, that if Barney dies, if you aren't here, it won't hurt just the same? All that will be different is that you'll hate yourself for abandoning him when it got tough."

Her shoulders heaved in a sob, and Robin threw her arms around Ted, sobbing into his shoulder. He rubbed her back soothingly, murmuring words of comfort.

Finally, Robin pulled back, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"You guys are all I have," Robin breathed. "You guys and Barney. Me and him...it's so different than you and me, Ted. We treat him like crap, and now we might lose him."

Her eyes searched Ted's frantically, looking for an answer he did not have.

"If he dies...everything's going to fall apart, Ted."

**A/N#2: And the curse of the bad endings livesss! Read and review, my pretties! I love every single review I get! **


	11. One Less Bell To Answer

**A/N: WOW, this took a long time. I've tried on this, I swear! But generally, after work I'm too tired to write. Working 8-5 will do that to you. Good news, though! Not only is this chapter done (as in finished!) but I have a good outline for the next few. Also, I know how this is going to end. VOTE anyway, though! Poll's in the profile for new readers. **

**Also, just so everyone knows, every time someone reads without reviewing, an adorable woodland creature dies. Just dies, right on the spot. Help keep the population of fuzzy animals alive, people. **

**Chapter 11: One Less Bell To Answer**

_**I did my best, it wasn't much. I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch. I told the truth, I didn't come to fool you. And even though it all went wrong, I'll stand before the Lord of Song, with nothing on my tongue but hallelujah...**_

_**Leonard Cohen**_

Robin ran anyway.

She knew Ted was right. Theoretically, in her mind, she knew Ted was right. Running now wasn't going to make losing Barney hurt any less. She still lov... He was still an idiot. She still couldn't picture her life without him. But she couldn't just sit beside his hospital bed and watch him waste away. Couldn't watch everything that _was_ Barney Stinson wither away to nothing. So she ran.

It was every bit as easy as she remembered. Run to the subway station. Take that to the Grand Central Station. Use her credit card to get her a ticket to anywhere but here, fast. The next train leaving was heading for Niagara Falls, which had a border, and she could get back into Canada, and leave Barney Stinson and his Cancer, Ted Mosby and his guilt trip, and New York City and the land of dead dreams behind.

She went through the motions robotically. Paid for the cab, purchased the train ticket, bought the trash magazine to pretend to read on the train, and boarded, without actually putting any thought into it.

Which in retrospect, was a bad idea, because now she was half way to Canada, and just now thinking what a shit idea this was.

"What the hell am I doing?" she asked aloud, looking around the train in a shock. Her seat mate, a teenaged kid looking like he was giving being "punk" a particularly pathetic go, gave her a startled look.

"Where are we?" She asked, knowing she looked crazed, and for once not caring.

"On a train," he responded, looking at her as if she were a particularly slow fourth grader.

"What the hell am I doing here? I can't be on a train! My boyfriend's in the hospital, in New York City! I have to be with him. Why am I on a train to Canada?"

"Well," The nineteen year old said slowly. "This is just a guess, but I'd say you bought a ticket to Canada, then loaded the train headed for Canada, and gave them your ticket marked Canada, and therefore, you are on a train to Canada. Huh."

Now, under circumstances, Robin would have had a sarcastic retort at the ready, would have flung it at the idiot kid without a second thought, making him regret ever talking to Robin like she was a four-year old. But at the moment, she was little preoccupied, so she settled for simply giving the kid a long glare and stepping over him in the most uncomfortable way possible.

She spotted the conductor three or four feet away and her feet moved of their own accord.

"You have to turn the train around!" Robin shouted, running up to the conductor. He jumped a little, turning to look at her in shock. "I have to go back! I made a mistake," Robin rushed on, ignoring his reaction in favour of babbling incoherently. "I should never have left; I should have stayed with Barney! He has cancer, he could die, of course I have to be with him, but I got scared, and I ran because I always run, and Ted tried to stop me, but...Anyway, I ignored him, and I didn't mean to actually run...you have to turn the train around!"

"Lady," the conductor said, once again in that dim-witted-fourth-grader voice. "This isn't a car. We can't pull a u-turn. It's a train."

"But I have to get back to Barney."

"Barney, Elmo and Big Bird will still be there when you get back."

"What? Dammit...!" Robin turned away from the useless man in disgust, dragging out her phone and misdialing Lily's phone number four times before realizing it was on speed dial.

"Lily, they won't turn the train around!" She shouted as soon as it was picked up. "They won't turn the train around. I've tried to explain that I have to go back, that I made a mistake, but they won't listen, and they all look at me like I'm nuts or PMSing or something, but I'm not, it's not for another two weeks, and now I'm on a train to Canada they won't turn around, with people who think I've lost it, and I can't get back!"

"Uh...Robin?" Marshall's voice said hesitantly. "Lily went for a nap. Um..." He seemed to run out of words there. The most disturbing part was he was probably most upset about the PMS thing, and not the crazy lady trying to get the train to pull a u-turn while having a panic attack in the aisle.

"Marshall?" Robin asked. Of course it was Marshall. Why wouldn't it be Marshall? Next he was going to tell her that her seventh grade math teacher was there to pick up her homework from fifteen years ago that she forgot to hand in. This day...SUCKED!

"Robin," Marshall tried again. "Just calm down. You haven't made it out of the land of the living yet. When the train stops, get off the train, and get a ticket home. I'll pick you up at the station when you get here. It will be okay."

"Right," She replied breathlessly. "Get off the train. After it stops, get off. I can do that."

"Right."

"Okay." Robin hung up, nodding to herself in a relieved way, sitting back down calmly, and opening the magazine.

****_himym****_

She had run anyway. Ted knew he shouldn't be surprised. It was Robin's go-to move when she got scared, right back to when she thought he was proposing to her. No mind for anyone else's feelings, no stopping to think about the mess she was causing, no concept of how little running away would help in the long run. She just got up and left. And by the looks of it, she hadn't even taken the suitcase she had hastily packed earlier, just her purse and key and some cash.

Anger flooded Ted, white-hot. If ever there was a time to stick with them, it was this time. And Robin _knew_ this. Ted had told her this, and she had still run. He had failed, and now he had to tell Barney that the one person he wanted to see more than anyone else had abandoned him.

Heaving a great sigh, Ted steeled himself. If he didn't go now, he wouldn't be able to force himself to do it.

He was surely not walking in there with bad news and nothing else, though. What could he bring that would make Barney happy, besides Robin?

All the cliché Barney-items flashed across his mind. Suits, alcohol, magazines. Ted ran for the bag of Barney's things the hospital had given him. He fished through Barney's wallet and retrieved a number of what seemed to be a suit tailor, though the address appeared to be in a warehouse in a very sketchy area of town. Nevertheless, Ted called and informed them he needed a high quality pair of suit-jamas immediately. On the way to pick it up, he swung by the magazine stand and bought five issues of Bro's Life magazine, then bought a MacLaren's shot glass (even if Barney couldn't have alcohol, at least he could have his liquids in a shot glass.

Ted rounded up all the items he could possibly imagine making Barney happy, yet still he was unable to shake the knot in the pit of his stomach. Barney was not stupid, he knew. It was very likely that he would guess what had happened before Ted told him. But Ted didn't honestly know what else he could do. He resolved not to abandon Barney, not to make him think that them finding out about the leukemia meant that the entire group would abandon him.

****_himym****_

"Hey, Ted. Couldn't stay away from your best friend for long, huh?" Barney grinned as Ted struggled into the room, arms full of bags.

"Marshall's still my best friend, Barney." Ted groaned. Barney winked, traces of his old spirit showing through. The knot in Ted's stomach tightened even more, as he watched Barney in better spirits than he had been in a long time, knowing that he was about to shoot them back down.

"So what's in the bags?" Barney asked.

Snapping back to attention, Ted went about laying the suit-jamas beside Barney's thin frame (although he stressed "you're on your own getting those on"), slapping the magazines on the bedside table and lining up the glass on the table.

And out of the corner of his eye, he watched Barney's face. With every item Ted took out of the bag, his smile slipped a little lower. His eyes scanned Ted's pinched face carefully. His expression became, instead of happy and light, resigned and sad. Ted tried his hardest not to notice, finally grabbing the shot glass and babbling something about getting Barney some water, and how he could pretend it was alcohol, when Barney grabbed his arm in a fierce grip.

Reluctantly, Ted turned and met Barney's shaky gaze. For a moment, neither man spoke, until Barney softly whispered,

"She's gone, isn't she?"


	12. My Little Runaway

**A/N: And so we arrive at chapter 12! Feels like I've been writing this forever and yet for like three seconds. So for once in my history of stories, I have this bad boy outlined and the final chapter in the finalization stages. We still have what I would guess is about five chapters before that, though. And I am still shamelessly encouraging votes. **

**Well, we saved some rabbits. But the deer, they are fading. Help keep them alive, my pretties! Reviewww!**

**Chapter 12: My Little Runaway**

_**Dear Diary**__**; **__**Today I've convinced myself it's ok to give up. Don't take risks. Stick with the status quo, no drama, now is just not the time. But my reasons aren't reasons, they're excuses. All I'm doing is hiding from the truth, and the truth is that I'm scared. I'm scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment, that the world is going to come crashing down and I don't know if I can survive that. – Vampire Diaries**___

It was okay, really. That she was gone, that is. He didn't need her. How long had he been fine on his own? Over ten years, he estimated. After Shannon had shattered everything he used to be, and he had to sloppily paste himself back together, not thinking about how many pieces of himself he had lost in the process. That, he supposed, was a main factor in how he became who he was today. Really, he was okay though. He had known this would happen, hadn't he? He'd just figured that to have her even if they were living a lie was better than not having her at all.

Then he had to go and vomit blood, and the doctors were all giving him grim looks, and he was under no pretences about what it meant. And now Robin was gone. He had known it from the second Ted had brought out all the extravagant gifts, unable to look Barney in the eye. Barney had seen the guilt there, the shame and the reluctance. He'd known instantly. And as hard as he had tried to steel himself against it, he had felt his heart sink.

But that's what he got, really. He shouldn't have been so stupid as to think that the brief time Robin had waited at his bedside meant that she would stick with him through this. And who was he to ask her to? The very things that defined their awesomeness – alcohol, laser tag, cigar bars – they were all a thing of the past. Right now, Barney could barely muster up enough energy to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. So how could he ask Robin to just wait at his bedside, day after day, while he got thinner and paler and his hair fell out? He touched the top of his head gingerly, relieved to find the blond still thick and full.

How had they even gotten here? Barney swore he could remember just a few months ago, when everything was truly normal. When the biggest thing he had to worry about was Project X at work – which was pretty big, make no mistake, as Marshall said, should he not execute the contracts exactly, they would be at war with Portugal – still, his life had been carefree. Looking back, Barney could barely see himself in that man. He so desperately wanted to be that man again, strong, confident, _healthy_, but he wasn't. Now he never would be that man again. And _that_ was why having Robin sitting beside him made him so happy. But that couldn't last, of course. Robin had to go and run away again, run so nothing touched her.

A flash of anger shot through Barney. How _dare_ she? Of all times to be thinking of herself, she picked now? For once, couldn't she worry about someone else long enough to stick around? Barney erected his shield around himself once again. It had been stupid of him to let it fall. He resolved that should Robin ever come back, he would send her on her way again.

Because it was better this way. What had that doctor guy said on that plane crash show? "_Live together, die alone_". Barney sighed. It was more apt then he knew.

Robin's legs pounded the pavement frantically, her stomach cementing into an ever-bigger knot of fear and anticipation. She had to get back. Barney _needed _her, really needed her. So it didn't matter how freaked this made her, the fact that he needed her was more important than anything.

Marshall and Lily had dropped her off a few blocks from the hospital when she had insisted she needed to walk, to clear her head before she saw Barney. She hadn't missed the incredibly wary looks on their faces as they had reluctantly consented. They thought she was trying to ditch them, possibly so she could take off again. Robin would have been insulted, but the thought was not without merit.

The seeds of doubt that had been fed by the doctor's grim prognosis had ignited a firestorm inside of Robin. Barney could die. She had attempted at the time, to picture her life Barney-less. Try as she might, though, the picture just would not form in her mind. If she had stayed, however, she feared more than anything that not only would that picture become clear, that it would be an image she saw every time she closed her eyes, and she just didn't think she could deal with that. On the train, however, she had finally grasped the point of Ted's warning. Her life without Barney could happen whether or not she was with him. It had been the leverage she needed to keep herself from going through with what was really a shit decision.

The doubt percolating in her mind had been momentarily extinguished, but Robin feared that it would rise up again, and could only hope she was strong enough to overcome it.

Still, she was here, wasn't she? The hospital came into view around a bend and Robin bent over, gasping for breath. Just a few more meters to the door, then she would find Barney and insist she was here and she was going to help him. He'd be thrilled, she knew. Robin hadn't missed the elated look on his face when she had showed up at the hospital the first time.

By this time, Robin was rounding the bend to Barney's room. Taking a deep, calming breath, she stepped in.

Barney thought he was dreaming. He must be dreaming. It was only hours ago that Ted had told him Robin was gone, wasn't it? And yet here she was, wringing her hands together with a thoroughly embarrassed look on her face.

Barney wanted so much to pull her to him and never let her go. It would have made everything so much easier. But the promise he had made to himself echoed in his head, exactly the way he had rehearsed it.

So he bit down the joy her appearance created, and cleared his face of any emotion.

"Forget your phone or something?"

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "What?"

"Why are you back here?"

Robin's face colored red. "I...I'm back."

Barney scoffed, making note to be as mean as he had to be to make her leave. "Yeah, you're back. But for how long?"

"That's not fair, Barney. I got scared, yeah, but...but I came back. I want to be here."

"No you don't." Barney shook his head. "This is exactly why I didn't tell you. I knew you'd react like this. Here is the last place you want to be."

Robin's eyes filled with tears, and Barney felt a pang in his heart. He was making _Robin Scherbatsky_ cry. This realism thing officially sucked.

"Get out, Robin. Go start another life."

"I don't _want to!_"

"And I don't want you here. You wanted your out, you got it. Get out. Get out, _get out!"_

A single tear slipped down her face, as Robin turned, fleeing from the room and from Barney's life.

Ted figured it must be Lily or Marshall when the knock at the door came. He jumped up from the couch and opened the door.

Robin's teary face was not what he had expected, but Ted forced himself to take it in stride. He gave her a long, steady look.

"Are you done running?"

"Yes." It was barely a whisper, but the door opened and Ted let his lost friend in.


	13. When It Isn't Like It Should Be

**A/N: Aaaannnnnd we arrive at Chapter 13. And you guys are still awesome. So awesome in fact, that I don't even care if I get any reviews. Not a bit. I'm not even going to tell you how inspired they make me to write more. Or that we may not get a last chapter if some of the lurkers don't step up to the plate. Nosiree, not me. Not going to breathe a word. **

**Anyhoo, enjoy. Chapters are coming to me pretty easily now, thanks to my brilliant kind of cowriters, Aimee (get a account, you dweeb) and CatherineJosephineMarie007. **

**Chapter 13: When It Isn't Like It Should Be**

**If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live a day without you. – A.A. Milne**

Forty-five minutes later, Robin had calmed and was sitting on Ted's couch, nursing a cup of coffee between her hands.

Ted sat a few feet away, clutching his own cup so tightly he could feel the heat burning into his fingers. Robin's sobs had stopped after five or so minutes, and now she was almost eerily calm, staring into the brown depths of her cup. Ted was fluctuating between being _so goddamn _pissed at her for running at a time like this and being proud of her for realizing on her own how much she needed to come back. If he opened his mouth, he didn't trust what may come out, so they sat in a tense silence, until Robin tentatively broke it.

"Ted...was it a mistake to come back?"

Ted's head shot up. "What?"

Robin gave a heavy sigh. "I thought...I thought he'd recognize that I came back. I came back, Ted, and nobody forced me to do that. But he hates me. I let him down, I was a stupid coward and I ran, and now he'll never forgive me. So would it have been easier if I had just never came back?"

_And here we go in circles again_, thought Ted. There was only one other way Ted could think of that would keep Robin here, even if he hated himself for what it would do to her. He cleared his throat.

"Yes."

Robin looked at Ted, shocked. "Yes?"

He nodded. "Yes, it would have been easier. You really shouldn't have come back."

Ted could understand the look of shock on Robin's face. He was a little surprised he had actually said it himself. "No, really, you're right. You should have run." Robin looked ready to object, but Ted didn't give her a chance, because he'd finally realised what he'd done wrong last time. Try to convince Robin not to do something, and she'd do it to spite you every time. If you wanted Robin to stop fucking up her life, help her.

"He spent months not telling anyone he was sick because he was afraid it would be too hard for _you_, and that you wouldn't be able to leave because you pitied him too much. If you don't feel that, then make it easier on him, and all of us, and just go."

"You think so?" Robin asked, looking more vulnerable than Ted could ever remember seeing her.

"Yeah!" He nodded. "Yeah, the only mistake you made was turning around. Come on. Let's get you back to Grand Central, and get you back on the right track."

Robin nodded, dazed and obviously not thinking properly. She'd been up for going on 52 hours, and had so many blows during that time, she wasn't up to arguing with Ted anymore.

Ted guided an unresisting Robin to Marshall's Fiero, setting her into the front seat, and even going so far as to do up her seatbelt when she made no move to get it herself.

He glanced at her occasionally throughout the drive, but didn't disturb her thought process. This should be the time she was realising where she _needed_ to be, not where was easiest.

When he pulled up in front of the hospital, she finally came out of her daze enough to look around, and realize there were no trains here. She whipped around to stare at Ted, but he just smiled serenely.

"Go. I'll park."

Robin didn't say anything, just smiled gratefully, and ran.

_****himym****_

Robin stopped to take a fortifying breath outside Barney's room, shoving her hand into her pocket to keep it from shaking.

Her hesitations stopped when she recognized the form of the doctor she'd spoken to earlier. Desperate to hear what he was saying, she slipped silently into the room while Barney's attention was on the doctor.

"We received the results from the tests we've been running," the doctor was saying, looking grim and controlled. "Unfortunately, Mr. Stinson, the news is not good. The cancer has spread through to your lungs, which is the reason behind the blood in your vomit. This moves you into stage four, which still has viable treatment options, though they are more limited, and historically less successful than what we were hoping for. The question now is whether you wish to take these options, or chose to refuse treatment."

"Awesome people don't just give up, Doc. I can see how you might be unfamiliar with this concept, because Awesomeness is, by definition, rare, but I'm not going to let microscopic cells deprive the female population of the world of Barney Stinson."

The doctor smiled indulgently; glad to see his patient was still willing to fight. He nodded, and began to turn away, when Barney grabbed him with more strength than he should technically have possessed.

"I'm dying, aren't I?"

"No!" Robin shouted instinctively. Both men turned to her, just noticing she'd entered. Taking a deep breath at the sadness and resignation in Barney's eyes, she pushed passed it and walked further into the room. "Of course not, Stinson. You don't get to kick the bucket without that foursome first. I've talked to Lily and Marshall, and they said they were in, but not with your pale pasty ass in a hospital room. So we have to get you hot again."

Barney stared at her for a second in shock, and then said in his most betrayed voice..."You don't think I'm hot?"

Robin smirked at him, and turned to the doctor. "I'm gonna need a more comfortable chair. I'm gonna be here for a while."

"Robin..."

"Shut up, Stinson. My choice. Also, Doc, can I use the phone to make a call to work? I gotta quit."

"Scherbatsky, you can't quit. Come on, we talked about this. You're too awesome to be in this crappy hospital room. Go."

"I told you to shut up. I'm not going anywhere." Robin flopped into the unbelievable uncomfortable chair next to his bed, stealing his jello (which he had been saving for later), and leaning back casually. "Get used to me. You are stuck."

The doctor left silently, making a mental note to tell the nurses to bring extra food, and a more comfortable chair from the lounge. Barney gazed at Robin, not even bothering to hide his affection, but stole back the spoon when she wasn't paying attention.

It took him a minute, but he finally focused on the most important part of the conversation.

"Wait a minute. Lily said yes to a foursome?"


	14. We'll Have A Good Time, Then

**A/N: This train is chugging to one of its last stops, people. Those that have stuck with it for the entire run, you guys are awesome. **

**Forewarning here, you guys have been leaving reviews commenting on how sad this is. Just letting you know, the last few chapters were, believe it or not, the happy chapters. Angst-phobes, I warn you right now, there's choppy waters ahead.**

**"In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime. It's the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it's the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; it's the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future." – Jodi Picoult**

**Chapter 14: We'll Have A Good Time, Then**

****_himym****_

"So Lily," Barney said when she walked in the door, carrying her bagged lunch. "You up for that foursome now?"

Robin gave a snort of laughter from the corner, as Lily's brow furrowed in confusion.

"God, Barney. Does _nothing_ stop you from thinking about sex?"

Barney considered it for a grand total of about four seconds, before responding proudly. "No."

Lily shook her head, reminding Barney of the looks she gave her kindergarteners when he had visited (Feely the Share Bear still rested in a secret place inside his mostly empty briefcase, not that he'd ever admit it to anybody).

Lily took a seat on the sleeping chair Robin used most nights and dug into her pitiful lunch of salad and crackers. Robin perched on the edge of Barney's bed and laid her hand on the bed sheets, close to Barney's hand but not touching it.

****_himym****_

Robin was home. Barney could not remember the time where she had last left for longer then it took to go the bathroom or get some food, but Barney had finally forced her out with a firm, "you seriously stink, Scherbatsky."

Luckily, Marshall arrived a good ten minutes after Robin's departure.

As soon as he walked in the door, Barney locked his blue eyes onto Marshall's, his voice quieter but full of clarity and calm.

"You talk to your lawyer friend about the will?"

He nodded sadly, and handed it to Barney.

"You're all good, man."

****_himym****_

Barney was getting used to the drug-induced hazes. He couldn't sleep ordinarily with the medley of voices that rang through the hall, but the drugs they gave him for the steadily worsening pain (_everywhere_), numbed everything. It was actually hard to distinguish the times he was sleeping from the times he was awake. Really, Robin was the only thing he kept any element of an eye out for.

So on an otherwise ordinary Wednesday, he was surprised to find one voice sticking out from the blur. And when the owner of his voice strode into the room, Barney could not stop the smile that flooded his face. And when his girlfriend followed, arms around Barney's brother, who held his _legendary_ nephew, he was pretty damn sure it was the most _awesome_ thing he'd ever seen.

"James!" he squealed. _No, not squealed, yelped. Yelped was much manlier. _

"Baal," Gregory squealed, flailing his arms for his uncle. Barney reached out and held him to his chest, revelling in the very _alive _feeling of the two-year-old squirming against him. Looping an arm around Robin's waist, he yanked her down on the bed with him.

"What the hell is this?" Barney asked, still smiling. "What are you doing here?"

"You're joking, right? You didn't think I'd miss this for the world? First time I've seen you in anything but a suit in years. I don't think anyone will believe me."

****_himym****_

When Barney came awake again, Ted was flipping through the newest issue of Bro Magazine, glancing up when Barney moved.

"You realize this constitutes stalking," Barney murmured, trying to sit up a little straighter.

Ted chuckled, helping as much as he could.

"Where's Robin?" Barney asked. It wasn't often he woke up to find her not there.

"She went home to get a new change of clothes. Said she'd be back in an hour or so."

"Please tell me this change of clothes is going to involve a negligee. Or a corset, maybe."

"I think she was saving up to get a new one for your rumoured foursome."

"Yeah, about that. How do I tell Lily that the foursome would be even better if Marshall were replaced with some nice young blonde?"

"I didn't know that was your thing, Stinson," Robin intoned from the doorway, a new bag thrown over her shoulder. "But if you'd like, I can ask Josh, who works at the station. Abs like a washboard."

"Not what I had in mind."

****_himym****_

Barney had reached a new low.

It was humiliating really.

The loss of the suits had been a hard blow. Losing his hair had been devastating. Losing a hundred pounds and counting, no longer able to drink beer, and the decreased (to nearly nothing) sex drive had all been almost unbearable. But this was horrible.

He was so bored, he was watching Harry Potter.

At the very least, Robin was suffering through this special kind of hell with him. Currently, they were sitting through the bit where the girl punched the only dude in there with any fashion sense. Seriously, did nobody else know how to coordinate darks with medium darks? The blond hair, also, which he chose to view as a small, almost unconscious homage to yours truly, was admittedly flattering.

Robin, however, who was lying against him, occasionally inputting a commentary on the behind the scenes production (_"over 3000 girls auditioned for the role of Cho Chang, you know. How did _that_ girl get the part?_), was also keeping a protective hand on Barney's 'puke pail', much to his humiliation. It wasn't often that he had the strength to sit up, much less vomit, anyway.

****_himym****_

It got hazier and hazier, but Barney knew when his best times were. He hadn't gotten any in _months_, which he was starting to be okay with it. That, more than anything, was a sign that he was going round the bend. Barney Stinson could seduce a woman at the worst of times. He had once slept with a mediocre looking woman he picked up in a used-car sales lot, just because it had been three whole days since his last bimbo.

So when every day he saw Robin there, there caring for him with no thought to how she did not have someone who could so much as walk, Barney was constantly amazed.

_Damn,_ his girl put every other girl to shame.

****_himym****_

Barney wasn't an idiot. He knew what was happening to him.

Robin knew too, Barney knew she did.

But denial was a wonderful state to live in.

And if she wanted to keep living under this delusion, Barney was happy to oblige her.

He'd never been one to tell her no, anyway.

****_himym****_

**A/N#2: Next chapter's the end of this, folks. Last chapter's been written for awhile, and I actually think it's really good, wraps up the story nicely. The more reviews, the quicker it's up. What that shameless? It sounded shameless...**


	15. Asleep At Heaven's Gate

**A/N: Oh dear GOD, people. This is the end. This is really and truly the end of the line. I've gotten an amazing response to this fic, on fanfic boards where I don't usually see a lot of activity. **

**Thank you truly for all the amazing reviews, they really do make me want to keep writing.**

**And lastly, thanks to Aimee. Really, I hate/love you but this wouldn't be where it is without you. **

**I am truly serious about this, people. This chapter was written WEEKS ago, and perfected to this point. I am putting a VERY big tissue warning on it. Me and Aimee are not ones who cry easily, but we cried at every edit. **

**With that said, enjoy, and look for me and Aimee's next fic for Criminal Minds, Aftermath.**

_****himym****_

_It's the sound of them shouldering against each other that terrifies me, _

_As if it might hurt to brush across another being's living flesh_

Barney was asleep. A combination of drugs, alcohol and emotional overload and he was out for the night. A soft tap on the door had Robin turning around to see the doctor in the doorway, looking even more grim than usual.

Willing to take the blow for Barney but not willing to take it alone, she smacked Ted on the shoulder to wake him up. They stepped out into the hallway, as Marshall and Lily joined them.

They all drank in the doctor's face, reading what they had so hoped they would never hear.

**(For those of you that REALLY want a happy ending, here it is)**

"**Good news," said the doctor. He's actually cured." Robin took Barney home and they lived happily ever after. The end. **

**And for those who actually want to know how this ends, keep reading)**

Marshall was the one to take the plunge and say, "it's worse."

The doctor nodded. "I'm afraid so. If there is anything you need to do or say, now's your time."

_There's only one raincloud in the sky, and it's raining on me. Somehow, I'm not surprised_

Marshall's arms went around Lily just in time, as her knees collapsed. They all managed to stay quiet, remembering Barney was sleeping ten feet away, but Lily was barely conscious and Ted was crying. Robin stood still, waiting for the world to stop spinning.

Marshall was clinging to Lily as if she was his last lifeline. The world slowed down for a minute as Robin looked around the hospital. All she heard was the pounding in her ears until the fog lifted and she realized how little time she had left.

Robin's whole body snapped into action. Whirling around to face her friends, she gathered herself with military precision.

"Ted, go get me two rings and a suit. Lily, I'm going to need a white dress. Marshall, get a justice of the peace. We'll meet back here in an hour. Go!"

Ted looked ready to raise an objection; obviously not wanting to leave Barney now, but Robin held a hand up.

"Don't argue, just run."

And with that, they all scattered, each step an effort.

_In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime; it's the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future_

Robin went back into Barney's room and shook him awake as gently as she could. Grabbing a washcloth, she wiped his face, saying, "come on, we have to get you cleaned up."

Drowsy and drugged, Barney asked her what was going on.

"You're getting married," Robin replied. "And you're not going to look like a slob when you do. So sit up and tell me if you want an authentic Native American headdress or a hat."

Barney looked dazed for a second before replying firmly, "hat."

She was bustling about, hiding his unmentionables (and bro mags), and he was watching her bend over, when he stopped her with a softly spoken, "there's a condition."

Robin threw a cloth over her shoulder, still trying to hide the porn mags.

"There's a condition to me marrying you."

She turned around and said "you tell me I have to shave my head so we can match and I'm going to slap you."

He smiled a little. "No. You have to mean it."

"Mean what?"

"The vows, till death do us part? That means that the vow is fulfilled. You're done, and you move on."

_I held a jewel in my fingers,_

_And went to sleep_

Looking pained, she stepped forward.

"Fuck, Stinson, don't do this to me."

"No, Robin, you are way too awesome to deprive the world of you. They're already going to be deprived of me."

"No, they're not. I'm not marrying to become a widow. You're going to get better, and I'm going to take you home."

Barney sighed. She knew, he knew she did.

_The truth is that I'm scared. I'm scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment, that the world is going to come crashing down and I don't know if I can survive that._

"When Lily starts to worry about you, and calls you crazy dog lady again, just remember that... I love you. And I want you to be happy. Do what it takes. Whatever it is."

By this time, Robin stopped hiding her tears, and managed to mumble out, "you're such a fucking idiot."

Barney managed a weak smile. "I love you too, Scherbatsky."

`_You can change the way people see their lives. That's the only lasting thing you can create._

_****himym****_

Lily came in holding a generic white dress, and handed it to Robin with a wan smile. Then she turned to Barney.

"I never thought I'd see the day. You're getting married."

"Just when you thought you had me pegged, Aldrin."

The patently Barney comment earned him a smile (something Lily did less and less these days), and Barney glowed.

When Ted came back, he smiled and kissed Robin's cheek, with the customary, "you make a beautiful bride."

Turning to Barney, he simply said, "you look like shit."

He smirked. "Yeah, but I got the girl."

Ted laughed and nodded, conceding defeat as he sat beside Barney to wait for Marshall.

_The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand,  
Nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship;_

****_himym****_

Everyone thought that Barney's attention was compromised by the disease and the drugs, and he was content to let them think that.

In actuality, it was Robin, looking as gorgeous and radiant as ever, standing next to him, and _marrying_ him that was distracting him from his own wedding. He did his best to pay attention to the important parts, but Robin was holding his hand so firmly and looking at him so lovingly and being so _awesomely_ beautiful that he couldn't give a crap what the short little Italian justice of the peace who couldn't pronounce robin's name right to save his life was saying (even though Ted kept leaning over and tutoring him).

When it was time for the vows, Ted nudged him.

Barney took a deep breath, fighting against the exhaustion he wouldn't let consume him. Nothing would ruin this moment. Robin deserved that much.

He cleared his throat and moved to cup Robin's chin in his hand.

_You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have_

"This is...really weird. Seems like only yesterday I didn't even have a fiancée..."

Robin's eyes were glossed with unshed tears as she laughed, the tension broken briefly.

"But," Barney breathed, "I'm glad I do. I...I don't really even know what to say, usually you think you'll get to this point and even when you didn't prepare anything, it'll all just kind of flow."

He paused, his breath coming a bit shorter. When he spoke again, his voice was lower, and Robin could hear the tears coating his words.

"I'd say that I love you, but you already know that. I could say that this is the best day of my life, but honestly, look around me. Got my group and my almost-wife. What could be better?"

Robin sniffled, a tear betraying the storm of tears she had been fighting down. Barney's very pale cheeks colored and he squeezed Robin's hand.

"You changed my life, Scherbatsky. You made it way more than...damn, this is turning into a freaking soap...you just, you made me who I am. And for once, I'm...I'm kind of proud of that person. So thanks."

_Beth, I hear you calling,_

_But I can't come home right now_

By this point, Robin was openly crying, Lily was sobbing, and even Ted and Marshall had tears streaking down their faces.

The justice of the peace motioned to Robin, and she took a deep, steadying breath. Barney's grip tightened on her hand, and she looked at him, eyes shining with new tears.

"How did we get here, Barney? You know, you meet a guy in a bar, you go out with him, and you think if there was a one, he'd be it. And here I am, marrying his best friend. Only..."

Robin paused, and Barney felt a tiny flare of jealousy towards Ted, a feeling he quashed quickly as Robin continued.

"With Ted, I thought, if there _was_ a one, it'd probably be him. With you, I _know_ there's a one, and I know it's you."

A sob escaped Robin's lips, and she felt Barney reaching up with a herculean effort to wipe her face.

_I am the master of my fate_

_I am the captain of my soul_

"I'm sorry, Barney. I'm sorry that I was so horrible to you during the first few years I knew you, sorry that I rejected you, sorry you're here now, and I'm so, _so_ sorry I can't save you from this."

Robin paused for a few moments, shaking with violent sobs. Barney's hand touched her back lightly, and she saw him shake his head silently.

_No. This isn't you. You didn't do this._

"I love you. I've never...I...I just love you. So I guess...in what's left of my future..." Robin wiped under her eyes furiously. "...that'll hopefully be enough."

Barney took a shaky breath and squeezed Robin's hand a little more.

"You're fucking gorgeous, Scherbatsky," he wheezed.

_Hush little baby, don't say a word_

_Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird _

****_himym****_

Barney refused to acknowledge the blackness creeping around the edges of his vision. He was not about to let the best moment of his life be ruined by his death. His grip slackened on Robin's hand but he didn't let it fall. His breath began coming weaker, but he didn't let it stop. And when the justice of the peace asked if this woman would be his bride, it may have been the weakest voice of his life, but when he said "I do", he meant it with everything in him.

_And even though it all went wrong,_

_I'll stand before the Lord of Song_

_With nothing on my tongue but hallelujah..._

He couldn't quite hear the justice of the peace anymore, and he had to close his eyes, because they were weighed down with too much lead, but he heard Robin say "I do."

He never heard "you may kiss the bride", but he felt his lips on hers,

managed one last squeeze of her hand,

and let go.

_And then there was only the sound of the flatline._

EPILOGUE:

There was always the picture of that day. Through all of her travels, he went with her everywhere. The admitted marriage-hater wore her wedding ring for the rest of her life. If I had to guess why, kids, I'd guess it'd be tangible proof that what she had with Barney was real. The personal little mementos that remind her that she had a husband, that he loved her more than anything, that she'd have that for the rest of her life. Yet, she still carried with her the fact that she became a wife and a widow within the space of ten minutes.

_If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so that I never have to live without you_

That was the only promise to Barney that Robin ever broke. She tried to move on, there were men and there were one night stands, and there was the occasional one-night stands who stuck around for a couple of weeks. But next to Barney, and next to their awesomeness, nobody really ever measured up.

_You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you._


End file.
